If you have ever raised teenagers you know there are days when you hunger for them to leave the nest and become independent. They leave their dirty clothes everywhere but where they belong, you trip over their shoes and the kids never think before leaving dirty dishes scattered from bedrooms to basement, but it is okay for Mom to go on a gathering mission throughout the house. And then the darlings want to know why their favorite jeans did not get washed yet for a sudden and crucial meet up with friends at the last minute.
Then finally they are gone whether to college, the military, a job, or finding an apartment. Now the kitchen is free of piles of dirty dishes, your washing machine doesn’t hum with constant usage anymore. The kids’ rooms are clean and the bathroom no longer smells of wet towels and stinky socks. But the freedom you dreamed about is not what you thought it would be.
What is Empty Nest Syndrome?
The condition called “empty nest syndrome” was created from psychologists in the seventies to specify the feel of loss, depression and slump that moms and dads frequently experience as their teenagers leave their parents’ home. Although fields of study evidence parents inside the same family unit are inclined to feel related feelings once their youngsters leave home, the term is more stereotypically enforced with the mother’s experience. It may likewise apply to possibly an altering nature of the family relationship with your spouse, because moms and dads today discover themselves with added space — tangible and emotional — at one time inhabited by children. It does not bear a specified medical or psychiatric model, nor are there advertisements for medicines for it.
Within conventional cultures, wherever the aged generations were taught to honor and take care of them, there are seldom signals of empty nest syndrome — however since these similar cultures become more transient and the family unit more dissipated (Japan is only one example), the phenomenon of empty nest starts to come out. So it’s significant to mention that “empty nest” is actually a production of modern-day living, and the definition may be widened to pertain to any time older youngsters leave the household to build a lasting life elsewhere.
Empty Nest Syndrome and Symptoms
Many life changes require adjustment whether you are married or a single mom or dad. Empty nest knows no boundaries. It is hard to get used to children no longer sharing the dinner table. You are suddenly thrown into quietness where you no longer hear your children running around in their eagerness to go out with friends. Their music doesn’t blare anymore vibrating the windows in every room, and your car is always available now. You no longer wait for your teen’s key in the door signaling they are home and safe. Feelings of sadness and depression are perfectly normal especially if the relationship was close and nurturing.
Some parents, especially mothers, often have a difficult time adjusting. They may wander around the house feeling lost, not knowing what to do with life anymore feeling devastated. There are no rules that specify how much time it takes to come to terms with empty nest. Some parents get over it within a few weeks. Others take months or even years to figure out that with this new freedom comes the beginning of a new and exciting life. Women who had a full time career or worked part time are less exposed to empty nest syndrome because outside activities and responsibilities have already been in place. Mothers who are stay-at-home homemakers seem to have a more difficult time not fixating on the children leaving home.
Symptoms often show when parents, single or married, feel a need to spend more time in the child’s bedroom dwelling about how it used to be instead of finding new activities to keep busy. Intense grief and depression are common. Eating patterns may change and you may no longer feel any interest in life. What was once a lively dinner time at the table with the family may become a time when mom and dad now fend for themselves eating alone, which can lead to dangerous emotional separation within the marriage. Intense loneliness and a complete disinterest in life can occur bringing on debilitating depression and anxiety. When this happens, both parents feel the fallout, making what used to seem like a healthy marriage into one that has little meaning left for both.
As if this wasn’t bad enough, empty nest combines with menopause to hit you with a double whammy that can cause you to feel like you’re spinning out of control.
There is hope.
Coping
Making considerable life changes is not easy. Be patient with yourself – it is a road well traveled and you are not alone.
Communication with your spouse becomes more important than ever before now. Marriages commonly fail once the kids leave home, especially when moms have dedicated their lives caring for them. You may suddenly find that your relationship with your partner lacks meaning and substance. However, it is certainly fixable and worth the time and effort. Sit down together and talk about your feelings regarding the new-found peace and quiet, what kinds of things you would like to learn, get involved in, and your dreams and hopes together. Be positive and begin to feel the excitement of laying new groundwork together to build a new life that will strengthen the relationship. Talk about the depression. You both will likely find that you feel the same way, which can offer validation to both of you. Talk with each other at the end of every day at the dinner table about your experiences and expectations for the day ahead. Pick your partner’s brain and ask what he/she wants to do for the weekend, issues at work, finances, movies you want to see…the list is endless. Just keep talking.
If the depression and anxiety worsens make an appointment with your doctor.
The marriage relationship is ripe for vibrant revitalization that will provide you with the foundation needed for the rest of your lives together.
Have you experienced Empty Nest? How did you cope?
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