Do. Learn. Grow. Rinse. Repeat.

It’s been a long while since I wrote for this blog, but not because my heart wasn’t in it. I’ve been living life in ways that I never thought I’d be living it in the last long while. I buried a dear friend of the 4-legged kind who was very important to me much like a child is to its parents; I attempted to be a parent to a granddaughter who was troubled beyond repair with a step-grandfather who didn’t like kids; while in remission from cancer 15 years ago, the chemo port was left in my chest and became fractured causing me a great deal of pain and time in bed; and last but not least – I left a relationship of 13 years too long from said step-grandfather person and fled from Ohio to the Big Sky Country of Montana. Whew! As usual, I have learned a great deal in the last year or two. Isn’t that the point of this earthly existence? Do. Learn. Grow. Rinse. Repeat. I think so.

If you haven’t realized your purpose, your worth, it’s time, don’t you think?  Or if you don’t believe in such things it could be time you give this concept your worthy attention and consider it. We only get one chance to get it right, so they say. So it must be pretty important.  We’ll get into that more later.

There have been times in the last few years where I truly wanted to just give up. Those seemingly impossible curve balls that get thrown at us, you know.  I prayed for a big truck to hit me going down the driveway to get the mail. Truck aren’t allowed on that road.  I asked the Lord for a horrid disease to overcome my body and take me quick. I was reminded that such a thing all ready happened 15 years ago…and I beat it. Okay. How about an earthquake? Nope. I’d have to move to California for that or China or India. No thanks. I’m too chicken to do anything to myself. A friend once told me, “Jill if you tried to kill yourself, it wouldn’t work. You’d screw it up somehow and become a quadriplegic or something worse and you’d live like that til you were 100.”  I knew she was right.

So I gathered myself up and reminded me that I’d been through much worse before and survived. I can do it again. And again. The Lord, in all His wisdom and love, is always there to pick us up from the mud puddles we get ourselves into. He knows our heart and our best intentions. We are His children, and kids get into trouble. As our Heavenly Parent, He is there to provide the way out. And hopefully we learn from our mistakes so that next time we see the ear marks and have learned to say no or walk away.

For me, He put an old, dear friendship within my reach after decades of no contact. This special friend who never forgot me happened to ask me on Facebook how I was doing. Having been in a state of feeling worthless and forgotten, depressed and awful, I told her what was going on. She said she happened to have a free airline ticket she wouldn’t use and would gladly give it to me to go to her house and stay. “Jill, have you forgotten who you are – a beautiful daughter of God? You can’t stay there any longer!”  The next day, I was on a flight from Ohio to Montana, which meant freedom from an emotionally  abusive relationship that began to turn physical due to alcoholism and drug use by the man, who 13 years ago, I felt was my soul mate. People change and there are never any guarantees. A very hard lesson for me. I left a brand new house that I’d worked hard for, three precious dogs that were like my children, my grandchildren, children, and everything I owned except a garbage bag with a few outfits in it. That’s all I had time for before the police showed up.

After a time of grieving my losses, forgiving myself and him, making new friends, and a lot of soul searching I am on a good road again. I’m taking care to make sure this road is a safe path, a good way for me to travel now. I’m looking forward to continuing to learn about myself and what the Lord wants me to do. I’m digging deep into the person who is Jill, shoveling out the parts I don’t like, and planting seeds of happiness that will grow into thriving plants that represent the best of me and what I have to give. And my Father-in-Heaven is at the core of this exciting new self discovery because He knows me and loves me like no one else. With Him at the helm, I can’t lose.

I take care of a beautiful elderly woman full time who is wise, generous, and kind. I live in a lovely apartment on the second level of her home on the shores of Flathead Lake. I’ve gone back to church where my roots have always been planted, but became loosened and dry for awhile. I’m learning how much the Lord really loves me as His daughter. And I’m realizing how vital it is to know that. If we don’t  believe in ourselves as worthy, capable, deserving women of God, we are shortchanging ourselves, our potential, and our very lives. The lack of it will affect our children and everyone to whom we meet and grow close to.

We will talk more about this fragile thing called self worth or self esteem; why we don’t have it and how to get it. It’s really important but seems to escape most of us women. And we dearly pay the price. What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear.

Do. Learn. Grow. Rinse. Repeat.

Your Sister,

Jill

Grandparenting

Today’s definition of family has been changing drastically in past years with the advent of a new kind of family unit.  Due to various reasons, like parents having drug problems, divorce, the economy that has put millions out of work, and single moms who cannot raise their children anymore, we now have a growing generation of grandparents who find themselves in the trenches of raising young grandchildren.  This new phenomenon of parents depending on the grandparents to finish raising their children is also called “the skipped generation.”

As a grandparent, I once dreamed about my children leaving home to embark upon creating their own lives as independent people having a home of their own, good jobs, and grand children for me to spoil and send home.  Retirement was something I looked forward to with travel plans, and the freedom I felt I deserved after decades of raising my kids.

One evening a few months ago I received a call from the police department asking me if I could go pick up my 14 year old granddaughter for an indefinite period.  Of course I went quickly, as Sherry (not her real name) and I had a strong bond. I had always told her to call me if she ever needed me for any reason.  I scooped her up in my arms and promised her that everything would be okay now – she was now with Grammy.   I did what every other loving grandmother would do.  When the grandchildren need to be saved from dangerous situations and they have no other adult to turn to grandparents take over to provide the safety and love the child desperately lacks but needs in order to become good adults.

In 2008, the latest year for census statistics, show that 6.6 million children lived with their grandparents.  Of those, 4.4 million children lived in the home of a grandparent without any help or interaction from their parents (http://www.census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/families_households/cb09-29.html).  Those numbers are staggering and continue to increase yearly.

Older adults who once looked forward to growing a new nest of opportunity and goals now find themselves in the midst of having to start over again raising children.  Many of these seniors live on a fixed income based on Social Security Disability or limited retirement funds that makes suddenly having another child to support very difficult. In the 2008 census the government reported that 482,000 grandparents lived below the poverty level before they became responsible for caring for grandchildren (see link above).

Even if half of the more than 4 million children living with grandparents were transferred into the foster system it would overwhelm the federal foster system at over $6.5 billion a year.  This would add millions more children to a system already taxed with more than half a million cases throughout the country.  Now the child welfare system is looking to grandparents to fill the gap.

Getting custody of a grandchild often takes from several months to years to obtain. Government resources are limited to help grandparents.  The federal welfare system offers Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) and from the  state foster care departments, but most people tend to shy away from these resources because they are afraid of the intrusiveness of the caseworkers and that if one little thing is not right the grandchild might be taken away into the juvenile court system.

My granddaughter, Sherry, approached me one day wanting to go shopping for new jewelry.  I explained to her that funds are short right now until custody is resolved. I felt bad because she had just been through a major crisis within her home and as teenagers go, money seems to grow on trees.  I was pleasantly surprised when she answered, “Grammy, it’s okay. I understand. I’m safe now and that’s all that really matters.”  Kids are more resilient and often more wise than we give them credit for.

Our generation was raised with strong family attachments and values. We did our best with our children and with hindsight can see areas where we probably could have improved.  But that is true for every single parent on the planet.  We teach them well and then must step back and allow our kids to make their choices good or bad.  Sometimes that means having to pick up the pieces of their broken puzzle and for the sake of the grandchildren we must step in and once again take the high road and provide the safety net our own children cannot manage to give their offspring.

I once heard a very wise man say that if money is your only problem then you do not have much of a problem.  Sherry is grateful her grandparents love her enough to take her in, love her to pieces, and keep her safe.  I think when all is said and done in this crazy world she is right.  My mother used to tell me stories about her father being out of work and they were so poor she used tar paper to line her holey shoes. When they were evicted from house after house, the aunts and uncles got together and offered their home, food, and warmth to my mother’s family.  It was what families did in those days. Our society has become so transient and irresponsible the nuclear family model and tradition seems lost.

While we wait for a custody decision we made up a new budget that considers our grandchild and her needs as best we can for now.  But providing the love, safety, and well-being of her knows no limits and needs no accounting.  There will always be plenty of that to go around.

Divorcing? Children Come First

When planning a family vacation you know where you are going, activities you want to participate, where you will stay, how you will finance the trip, and when you will return home. Organizing and making sure the pets will be fed, having the mail and newspaper stopped, and making sure your home is secure while you are gone are all important for a successful get-away for the whole family.

Planning is everything. And this is especially true when parents decide they want a divorce.  Do you have a plan?  Or are you winging it hoping for the best?  Would you set out on a family trip like a world vagabond with no thought of where to sleep and eat or how to get there?  Nor should you approach divorce with children with no preparation for keeping them emotionally grounded during this often devastating family change.

Children Always Come First

For your children, divorce is an immense issue that they have had no preparation.  Suddenly, their lives are thrown into chaos, and their first thoughts and feelings are that it is their fault. What is going to happen to the parent who moves out?  What was once a secure foundation is now fraught with fear and confusion as their young minds and emotions seem out of control?  Everything they knew and accepted is being tossed out of their existence. Children have no support to figure it out or calm their trepidation except for the parents they have strong bonds with and love with all of their hearts.

Unfortunately, spouses come and go. But you are a parent for life. No matter what you do, your children are the greatest responsibility you will ever have.  They depend on you for everything they need to grow, be happy, stable, and able to go into the world with the right tools for their success. When parents divorce, they remain Mom and Dad for life. Nothing can change the bonding they experienced from birth that their parents are vital in their life.

Preparing the Children

Both you and your spouse need to sit down alone and decide to put away any resentments and anger that comes with the territory of divorce.  Conflicts should be kept between you in private. When the children hear arguing about child support, finances, and personal gripes about each other, they often internalize by thinking that if Mom and Dad had no kids, this would not be happening. Focus on one issue only – how can we make this life change easier on our kids?

Even if your spouse is not willing to cooperate in this discussion, you can still make a big difference in how your child gets through the divorce. It is better that one parent has the ability to soothe the fears and trepidation of the child than none at all. Being the parent that is calm, is mature enough not to talk negatively about the other parent within the child’s ear shot, and keep the household as normal as possible is the parent who will reap the rewards.

In Your Children’s Shoes

Take a moment to put yourself in your children’s shoes.  Everything they came to depend on like the sun coming up every morning is shattered.  Discuss your kids’ ages, how they might react, and how you can stave off the potential erupting of a volcano about to explode.  Find the path to agreement and be prepared with the best in reassurance and comfort of the kids.

It is Not Your Fault

Children often blame themselves for parental relationship problems and divorce. They need your reassurance again and again, that your issues of conflict are not their fault. Talk to them in the most compassionate and understanding way that you can. Explain that while Mom and Dad may have problems within the marriage like a lot of parents have, they are still their parents and will always love them and be involved in their lives.

You can say something like, we have disagreements about key issues and there is nothing you can do about it. Changes are needed so that we can be happier, but none of this is your fault and never was. Even if we did not have you, the problems would still exist. Sit close together, hug each other, and let this time be the beginning of healing and understanding.

Mom and Dad Forever

At this time, your children need to understand a couple of things. As Mom and Dad, you will always love them and will always be their parents. No matter what changes occur in the family over the coming days, months and years ahead, Mom and Dad will always be your real parents. Nothing can change that, and no one else could replace us.  No matter where you live, how old you get, or what you do, Mom and Dad will always support and love you.  You can depend on that. And do not ever forget it.  A divorce means that the two parents can no longer agree on how to solve conflicts and issues. So they just live in different places.

Be sure to live up to the above commitment. Your children’s health – mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical – depends on it. If you are the only parent that can commit to an environment that is comforting, reassuring, and keeps the children on track to a healthy life, you will become the champion who gets them through it relatively unscathed.

Blame or Change?

Blaming is always destructive. At this point, it does not matter who did what to destroy the marriage. Blame is the vehicle that keeps the hurt alive destroying the ability to forgive and move on.  It also causes children to perceive that one parent is a monster, which changes the child’s attitude about that parent to one with more resentment and sometimes hate. Once the child gets older, he will realize that maybe the ogre parent was not so bad after all. Then comes more guilt and repercussions that can last a lifetime. Focus on change, not blame.

Change is a natural part of life. Talk to your children about how everything in life keeps changing.  The seasons of the year change. You grow stronger, smarter, and your abilities change. Grades and schools change each year. Change just means that some things will be different.  It does not mean that those differences will be bad. Mom and Dad want to make some changes so that our lives will be better.

Mention that family changes are not about who is right or wrong, or who is good or bad. Share that Mom and Dad both tried their best to solve the problems. For us, the old way did not work. Now we will try a new method so that our family can live with more peace, calm, and happiness.

Think about this and how you can see the changes you are making as a brand new adventure. It just might not only be different – it will even become much better! After some time, we will all look back and realize that life is not quite what is used to be but the changes were good. You are okay. Mom and Dad are okay. And our family is okay. And we all still love each other – the most important fact of all.

Children are resilient. By communicating that your love and desire to make these changes after divorce your children are listening and watching. They take note of your ability of strength, unconditional love, and the desire to help them through difficult changes in life.  And your example will serve them well as they get out on their own and find themselves looking back and leaning on the positive truths you taught them.

The foundation you set with your children is the one they will need when they feel sad, insecure, or scared. Set up a special family time meeting where nonjudgmental sharing of feelings and concerns are invited. Repeat the affirmations  that the family life changes you are making will be good and not scary, as often as necessary. Children need your continued concern again and again.

You will be compensated in countless ways as you and your children meet and rise above the challenges of life after divorce.

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State of Mind

smart
[smahrt] adjective, verb (used without object)
1. quick or prompt in action, as persons.
2. having or showing quick intelligence or ready mental capability: a smart student.

stu•pid
[stoo-pid, styoo‐] adjective, -er, -est, noun
1. lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.
2. characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness;foolish;senseless: a stupid question.

“Half of being smart is NOT being stupid.”
~ L. Ragan ~

I’m very tired this morning. My fatigue is born of spending half the night ensuring the object of my righteous indignation was resolved. I certainly did not feel like pursuing the issue; I think I have the stomach flu. Thank goodness for the sustained adrenalin that comes from being angry and then deeply concerned. For me it usually always makes the difference between standing my ground, seeing something to its conclusion or blowing off the issue due to an emotionally full plate. However, the price I pay for my diligence is feeling anxious and drug-out all at the same time.
I have a particular neighbor who might have been of normal intelligence once, but with his alcoholism and drug abuse, he has been reduced into a lower IQ category. I’m sure of it. I have to admit such a condition evokes no sense of compassion or pity in me, rather it aggravates me! The man and his cohorts have done a myriad of illicit things next door from chop-shopping cars to growing marijuana and I won’t even mention the noise pollution.  They have 5 acres, we have 3 and you can hear their music and noise all the way around both properties!  And, as you might expect, I don’t like their taste in music at all.  Eight acres of noise.

Their latest was to drag in a couple of 30 ft. travel trailers, strip them, then take a backhoe to the carcasses and crush them, dig a pit in their back 3 acres (they sit on a 5 acre parcel), push the crushed trailers into the pit and set the debris on fire. Granted its spring here and we’ve been getting storm front after storm front, but those trailers are full of chemically treated wood and Formica countertops.  They’re also old and dry and upwind from me!  Once they start a sustained burn, an hour or so of mild rain doesn’t put out the fire. Add to that fields of weeds and star thistle and very gusty winds, you have the makings of a serious fire. My nose detected the creosote-smelling fumes long before I saw the fire. Stepping outside, the air was so strong with the smell and the smoke hung heavy enough in the air you could almost hold it in your hands. The wind was gusting toward our homes. The neighbor actually thought that with the cover of night no one would notice! I was incensed.

My husband called 911 who promptly patched him through to the Fire Department. They came out within 30 minutes of the call, scolded our neighbor and told him to keep the fire under control. Right after they left – seems they had another call come in, I heard the backhoe my neighbor was supposedly controlling the fire with (e.g. dumping dirt on the flames and putting it out) get promptly turned off. Half hour later, I called 911 who again patched me through to the Fire Department and I wasn’t nearly as nice as my husband had been. They arrived twenty minutes later and this time stayed until the fire was out. It’s still smoldering some 20 hrs. later, but no open flames.

I was awake until this feat was accomplished last night which took over four hours total. I live next door to my mother-in-law who has COPD and has to use oxygen; I also have two small grandchildren I’m raising – the last thing I wanted to do was have to vacate us all from our homes in the middle of the night while our homes and our lives and our memories caught fire and burned to the ground. None of the fire was an “Act of God” or an accident. The flame was deliberately set – the result of stupidity.
While I lay in bed waiting for the fire department to show up for the second time and do their fire control thing, I began to think about how we live in our little part of this community. We live in the country, all agricultural. I am surrounded on the north and south by commercial orchards; to the west of me is a neighbor with 40 acres he leases out to cattlemen (a very responsible and considerate man). On the east are my in-laws and just beyond them is our stupid neighbor. All of us, however, are ringed by orchards. We live in the food belt where fruit and nut trees abound. In fact we have the distinction of being the olive capitol of the U.S.

Even though we live out in the country where wildlife abounds, owls serenade us to sleep, and we can run around in our houses naked and the neighbors are far enough away they will not be traumatized by seeing our aging bodies, we still have some of the problems everyone else in the U.S. seems to have – drugs and crime and stupidity. I can leave my car unlocked with my purse in it and not worry I will wake up to find my car gone and my identity stolen. The price I pay is to look the other way when the drug deals go down or be extremely tolerant of the stupid people when they put us all in jeopardy or steal from others. My parents-in-law (who are elderly) walk on eggshells and never make waves when their rights are violated due to the inconsideration of their immediate neighbor. Calling the authorities last night was me rocking the neighborhood boat.  I now keep my purse in the house and lock my car at night – but I’m okay with it.

There is likely to be fall-out behind it and I had to take that into consideration before I made the second call last night. I fully expected to catch my father-in-law’s wrath today for my boat-rocking but instead was shocked to find out he had actually called the sheriff’s department last night – who never responded to his call, of course. My husband and I got results and the best part is I don’t have to listen to my husband’s father get on his soapbox about how I am far too aggressive and such is not a woman’s place – such behaviors are the purview of men. He and my father, God rest his soul, would NEVER have gotten along in that arena!

All this thought then led me down the path to the rest of America, generally the very poor who dare not rock the boat for fear of bodily harm from the criminal element in their communities.  The poor, poor silent, fearful majority, so often brought to their knees. I am a fortunate woman; I can stand up for my rights and feel safe enough doing it. The baddies in my area don’t control the rest of us on a large scale because any damage to the money generating produce here will generate a near vigilante-type reaction from the local majority. I know nearly all of my commercial neighbors and believe me; I wield that shield when I go into battle with the local stupids. I’m aware of this. I can square my shoulders and hold my chin up behind it. My heart goes out to those less fortunate than I.

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I Let My 4-year Old Swear…

Why kids’ cursing isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Guest Post by Aaron Traister

My son is about to start pre-k next week. I’m just wondering what will happen if Noah walks into The Garden of the Holy Spirit and starts cursing.

You see, I’ve given Noah a tremendous amount of freedom of speech during my tenure as his stay-at-home dad. I firmly believe that part of the reason he can hold up his end of the conversation with kids who are twice his age and has the ability and confidence to introduce himself to new children, talk to adults, and use words like “diversify” is because I haven’t modified my own language around him. I was not a baby-talk kind of dad and I didn’t sugar or censor any other aspect of how I spoke to him. In return I have an articulate and precocious 4-year-old.

While the positive effects are undeniable, there are some negative aspects to my grand verbal program.

While Noah may be able to bust out words like “rapid” and “vexing,” he is also armed with an alarming array of four-letter words and salty language. He doesn’t curse constantly, but, like me, when he spills his bowl of cereal on the living-room floor or stubs his toe, he has a tendency to say, “Shit!” among other more colorful zingers. I have absolutely no problem with this; it is not a frequent occurrence nor is it viewed as a delicious forbidden treat by Noah, as it may be by other kids. Because to him the words are no different than any others, he doesn’t delight or marvel in using them; they are simply utilitarian language for when things go wrong.

In truth, I actually prefer the occasional “shit” and “damn” to all the infantilized alternatives. I will take a responsible, stubbed-toe curse word to a “poopie-butt” or “doodie” or “pee-pee” or whatever other cutesy scatological nonsense that makes other 4-year-old boys crack up.

But I seem to be alone in this view, even in my own household. The barrage of cutesy bathroom humor passes without notice at the park and during most play times, warranting only the occasional “calm down” or “leave at the park” from my wife and other parents.

However when Noah lost his footing on the jungle gym and shouted, “Oh shit!” as he began to fall, the other parents looked at me like I had just asked him if he wanted to do some bong rips at snack-time. But had he said, “Oh poopie” before putting his tooth through his lip on the climbing bars, I bet the looks would have been different.

After that incident, my wife, Karel, decided to tell him there are words he cannot say or that, as a family, we do not say, and she started a list.

Before, the word had just been another word in his stockpile; the rejection of it made him realize it had some kind of power. On a practical level, I know where she’s coming from. I know people disapprove, and I don’t want him to have a harder time making new friends because he curses. I also understand that my wife doesn’t want to think about her giggling joyful little boy dropping a dish and muttering curse words under his breath. That’s something adults do. She wants to think of him as the blobby ray of innocent sunshine that has been lighting up our life for the past 4 years.

So being the bending-branch that I am, I gave her method a test run for about a month (even though I had strong reservations).

Immediately Noah began experimenting with saying “shit” and then looking for a reaction from me and my wife. Before the word had just been another word in his stockpile, the rejection of it made him realize it had some kind of power.

Then while reading a chapter of Harry Potter, one in which Ron mentions how much he hates Malfoy, Noah turned to me and said, “We don’t say hate daddy…”

His mother, my amazing wife, in an attempt to maintain the sweetness and innocence of her little blobby ray, had told him that “We don’t say hate.”

Hate was where I drew the line. How the hell am I supposed to teach him about the Mets and the Giants if “we don’t say hate”?

How are we supposed to read any book on the planet that doesn’t involve the words “pat them gently” if we’re not using words like hate?

It’s the trouble with censorship: not only does it give words a greater power than they already posses, but it snowballs out of control and suddenly the “we don’t say list” has grown to include: hate, suck, smelly, and mutant. How am I supposed to describe Tom Coughlin?

In my eyes, my son is not a blobby ray anymore, he’s not even a toddler; he’s a boy (admittedly, still for a few precious more moments a little boy) and he’s going to hate (hopefully not much more than New York sports franchises), he’s going to curse, he’s going to get into fights, he’s going to say things that piss people off, and he’s going to find himself in situations where he’s put himself on the outside. But that’s all just part of growing up.

So while my wife continues her futile list of words we don’t say, I have reverted to the my full 1st-Amendment policies — and we’re back to him no longer thinking “shit” is anything special. Karel is feigning ignorance about my reversion (although she is silently reaping the rewards). I’m sure the first time Noah skins his knee at the Garden of the Holy Spirit and Karel finds herself on the wrong end of a grumpy nun I will hear about it… a lot. But that’s fine; I’ll take it for the team because this is one of the rare moments when I know I’m right.

And, yes, while I’m sure that having two different sets of standards is confusing for a 4-year-old, isn’t the way we communicate and learn each other’s boundaries totally confusing anyway? When it comes to language in our house, we may be sending mixed messages, but that in itself may be the best preparation for what lies ahead of him in the real world.

I figure as long as he says more about love than he does hate, as long as the curse words are directed at toes and cereal bowls and the Mets instead of at real people, as long as he tries to be thoughtful and considerate more often than he is selfish, as long as he says “please” and “thank you” more often than he says “mine,” well then we probably shouldn’t get too stressed. And so far, that’s the way he is — a kind, considerate kid. Maybe that means I’ve done a damn fine job.

What do you think about allowing your children to swear?  Leave a comment…

Aaron Traister is a proud graduate of the Community College of Philadelphia. He writes a monthly column for Redbook.  Thank you Aaron for this interesting piece.

So Your Graduate Wants to Join the Military

Kids Wanting to Join the Military: What Would Be Your Reaction?

Your senior in high school is graduating this year and you have been looking forward to graduation, talking about college, entrance exams, and scouting the possibilities for the best schools for your child’s major.  Thoughts of your son or daughter moving on to fulfill life dreams for a career that will bring them satisfaction and a good paycheck for decades to come gives you fulfillment as a parent for a job well done.  The future seems bright.

And then it happens.  “Mom, I talked to a recruiter today! He told me that my future is bright in the Armed Forces. I’m joining up as soon as I graduate. He said I’d make a great helicopter gunner or maybe get training as a sniper.”  Obvious excitement adorns his/her face as your heart drops to your toes in shock.  This is not what you had envisioned for your child’s future.

It seems like the whole world is moving into war more and more each day. You have read the stories of parents of children who died in action and the rest of the horrors that go with becoming a soldier in our present time of growing military action all over the world.  While those parents were proud of their children fighting for their country, the grief for the danger and possible death of their children is real and you cannot imagine possibly going through it yourself.

Regardless of your political beliefs it is time to put them away and listen to your child’s reasons for wanting to go into the military.  Bombarding him/her with your outrage of how the government steals our children away to put them in minute by minute harm is not the point.  There are just as many parents who are proud of their kids joining the armed forces to serve their country as there are those who feel it is a travesty and do not support our troops.

You would not be a loving parent if you did not worry about all of the negative possibilities that will lie before your child going into the military.  With the deep hearted love we have for our kids, worrying over them is normal and part of the road map to their leaving home no matter what their plans are for the future.

There are some things you can do to help your child make sure he/she is joining up for the right reasons.  Now more than ever, your child needs your support and assurance that your love is continuous and unconditional regardless.

Changes in Military Education and Benefits

Someone choosing to join the armed forces is not always a bad thing.  Many changes within the educational and financial opportunities have changed a lot in past years.

After new recruit or officer training, service members typically go to advanced training, which is functional training for their assigned occupational fields. Advanced training is a classroom environment similar to college or junior college. In fact, the American Council on Education certifies more than 60 percent of advanced training courses as college credit. Training schools are located throughout the country, and training lasts from a few weeks to a few months, depending on the complexity of the subject matter (http://www.todaysmilitary.com/benefits/training).
If your child decides to get a Bachelor’s Degree before entering the military he/she is immediately qualified to sign on as an officer with elite training, which means a much bigger paycheck.  Education in the military is focused and intense within the vocation. This means your child can get a substantial degree in much less time.

A new enlistment bonus has been generated, which means that your child will receive $40,000 as a new enlistee.  After 17 months of service, he/she is qualified for an additional $80,000 for reenlisting.  There are also over 70 other pay benefits available for housing, food, child support, combat pay, overseas pay, family pay, tuition assistance, medical, and family separation allowances, dislocation and clothing allowances plus much more (http://www.military.com/benefits/military-pay/enlistment-and-reenlistment-bonuses).

Once the enlistee leaves the military there are numerous benefits available within the GI Bill.  Some is money for education into a new field, which includes benefits for the spouse and children of the veteran. The GI Bill also offers home loans at greatly reduced prices. Military veterans are entitled to a home loan guarantee of up to $359,650, when they purchase a home. Veterans also receive medical care for life, disability benefits, and more.

Joining up in the military has many perks available to men and women who otherwise would have to work for decades in order to qualify for same services as a civilian.

Communication

Make a date to go to dinner with your child somewhere quiet and relaxing.  Even a quiet meal at home is a good place to ask questions of your child as to his/her motivations for joining the military.  Ask questions as to why he/she wants to join up. Sometimes kids feel like the military is much easier than college.  Or they are having a hard time deciding on a major; fears of being unsuccessful getting top grades and the right associations needed these days.  Some feel like they do not belong or feel disjointed and the military would give them a sense of camaraderie and cohesiveness.  Others want to embark in the armed forces as a career to take advantage of the opportunity to see the world, get specialized education, or their leadership abilities would take them to heights they could not otherwise achieve, and take advantage of the strict discipline that will train them to be stronger people.  Thousands of men and women who have made a career out of the military say they achieved the leadership that has taken them to great fulfillment.

It is time to listen with your heart – an open heart.  Negative ranting about your political, anti-war beliefs, or your fears that he/she will not be safe, will only put a deep wedge between you and your child.

Talk to a Recruiter Together

Go together to a recruiter and learn all you can about that branch of the service your child wants to join.  This is where you can ask all the questions you want to and get answers from a professional.  Ask the recruiter if your child will actually get the education he/she desires, or if new service people have to wait until they have served for a certain amount of time.  Make sure your child realizes that the pay is barely enough to get by in the beginning, that boot camp is grueling, and can he/she handle being uprooted often.

Talk With Military Career People

Talking with others who have actually made the military a career is a great way to get information straight from those who have experienced it.  If you know someone who joined the armed forces for any length of time, ask if he will honestly share whether it was a good experience or not.  And ask if he would do it again if he could.  While recruiters are trained to give a hard sell to get kids to join up, someone with actual experience will be able to give your child a non-biased, truthful idea of what it is all about.  Some will say it was the best choice they ever made, and others will likely feel differently.  You will at least be able to come away from the conversations with valuable information that will help your child make an informed decision.

Stress Not

Last but not least, stressing and worrying to the point of sickness is useless.  No matter what your child chooses to do, leaving the nest is necessary and inevitable.  Danger is everywhere these days whether entering college or the military.  Be happy that your child had the love and respect to come to you with these ideas. If you become negative and unsupportive, your child will not likely come to you with important decisions in the future.

Kids come in various packages. Some are impulsive and tend to do what their friends are doing. However, most are more mature and have thought out their decisions by now.  What ever road your child chooses for the future, it is his/her future.  All you can do is listen, offer your loving advice and thoughts, and support your child’s final decision.

When all is said and done, your unconditional support and love is what your child will keep close and treasure for the rest of life whether that choice ends up attending college at home or joining the military.  You do not need to agree with the decision. But you do need to continue to love and support them no matter what.

Do you have experience with your child wanting to go into the armed forces? What do you think?

About Us

Greetings!

Our names are Jilly Prather-Nehls & Niki Sinclair.  We’ve been best friends for 44 years.  We’ve shared in each others lives, shared our experiences with each other and have learned more about some areas of life than we ever expected to when we were kids.  We’ve also learned there are areas of life we didn’t know even existed!  Regardless of what we’ve done, where we’ve been, what we’ve seen, and who we’ve known, we’ve both seen how tough it is to manage a family without a place to go; a place to easily gain some insight and share some of our own.  We’ve chosen to make a place where it will be easier for other families to find it, especially important in this day and age where the “time to find it” has become scarce.

We invite you to be part of our community, to receive and contribute.  We’re not looking for super stars,  just folks interested in their families and how to balance out some of the problems unique to our society today.

Empty Nest Syndrome – Stages and a New Beginning

If you have ever raised teenagers you know there are days when you hunger for them to leave the nest and become independent. They leave their dirty clothes everywhere but where they belong, you trip over their shoes and the kids never think before leaving dirty dishes scattered from bedrooms to basement, but it is okay for Mom to go on a gathering mission throughout the house.  And then the darlings want to know why their favorite jeans did not get washed yet for a sudden and crucial meet up with friends at the last minute.

Then finally they are gone whether to college, the military, a job, or finding an apartment. Now the kitchen is free of  piles of dirty dishes, your washing machine doesn’t hum with constant usage anymore. The kids’ rooms are clean and the bathroom no longer smells of wet towels and stinky socks. But the freedom you dreamed about is not what you thought it would be.

What is Empty Nest Syndrome?

The condition called “empty nest syndrome” was created from psychologists in the seventies to specify the feel of loss, depression and slump that moms and dads frequently experience as their teenagers leave their parents’ home. Although fields of study evidence parents inside the same family unit are inclined to feel related feelings once their youngsters leave home, the term is more stereotypically enforced with the mother’s experience. It may likewise apply to possibly an altering nature of the family relationship with your spouse, because moms and dads today discover themselves with added space — tangible and emotional — at one time inhabited by  children. It does not bear a specified medical or psychiatric model, nor are there advertisements for medicines for it.

Within conventional cultures, wherever the aged generations were taught to honor and take care of them, there are seldom signals of empty nest syndrome — however since these similar cultures become more transient and the family unit more dissipated (Japan is only one example), the phenomenon of empty nest starts to come out. So it’s significant to mention that “empty nest” is actually a production of modern-day living, and the definition may be widened to pertain to any time older youngsters leave the household to build a lasting life elsewhere.

Empty Nest Syndrome and Symptoms

Many life changes require adjustment whether you are married or a single mom or dad. Empty nest knows no boundaries. It is hard to get used to children no longer sharing the dinner table. You are suddenly thrown into quietness where you no longer hear your children running around in their eagerness to go out with friends. Their music doesn’t blare anymore vibrating the windows in every room, and your car is always available now. You no longer wait for your teen’s key in the door signaling they are home and safe. Feelings of sadness and depression are perfectly normal especially if the relationship was close and nurturing.

Some parents, especially mothers, often have a difficult time adjusting. They may wander around the house feeling lost, not knowing what to do with life anymore feeling devastated.  There are no rules that specify how much time it takes to come to terms with empty nest. Some parents get over it within a few weeks. Others take months or even years to figure out that with this new freedom comes the beginning of a new and exciting life. Women who had a full time career or worked part time are less exposed to empty nest syndrome because outside activities and responsibilities have already been in place. Mothers who are stay-at-home homemakers seem to have a more difficult time not fixating on the children leaving home.

Symptoms often show when parents, single or married, feel a need to spend more time in the child’s bedroom dwelling about how it used to be instead of finding new activities to keep busy. Intense grief and depression are common. Eating patterns may change and you may no longer feel any interest in life. What was once a lively dinner time at the table with the family may become a time when mom and dad now fend for themselves eating alone, which can lead to dangerous emotional separation within the marriage. Intense loneliness and a complete disinterest in life can occur bringing on debilitating depression and anxiety. When this happens, both parents feel the fallout, making what used to seem like a healthy marriage into one that has little meaning left for both.

As if this wasn’t bad enough, empty nest combines with menopause to hit you with a double whammy that can cause you to feel like you’re spinning out of control.

There is hope.

Coping

Making considerable life changes is not easy. Be patient with yourself – it is a road well traveled and you are not alone.

Communication with your spouse becomes more important than ever before now. Marriages commonly fail once the kids leave home, especially when moms have dedicated their lives caring for them. You may suddenly find that your relationship with your partner lacks meaning and substance.  However, it is certainly fixable and worth the time and effort. Sit down together and talk about your feelings regarding the new-found peace and quiet, what kinds of things you would like to learn, get involved in, and your dreams and hopes together. Be positive and begin to feel the excitement of laying new groundwork together to build a new life that will strengthen the relationship. Talk about the depression.  You both will likely find that you feel the same way, which can offer validation to both of you. Talk with each other at the end of every day at the dinner table about your experiences and expectations for the day ahead.  Pick your partner’s brain and ask what he/she wants to do for the weekend, issues at work, finances, movies you want to see…the list is endless.  Just keep talking.

If the depression and anxiety worsens make an appointment with your doctor.

The marriage relationship is ripe for vibrant revitalization that will provide you with the foundation needed for the rest of your lives together.

Have you experienced Empty Nest?  How did you cope?

Smiles and Tickles Work

Books and articles about good parenting have been published by the hundreds of thousands over the last many decades, swinging a pendulum about every ten years with the extremes of raising happy, healthy children through perfect parenting.  So why are we, as a country, no closer to bringing up our kids without drug, alcohol, behavior, academic, and social problems?
Because there is no such thing as perfect children…or parents.

We can only teach our children to the best of our abilities as we go along with the knowledge and experience we gained when we were growing up ourselves.

However, as parents, we have a great responsibility to improve our techniques in the process. We all have skeletons in our closets. Most of us grew up with varying degrees of dysfunction that directly affects our parenting abilities. As our children grow so do we. Hopefully, we recognize the areas of improvement we need to be the best we can be in the lives of our children. It’s so much easier said than done, I know. But the happier and more abundant our own lives become, our children’s growing years will be filled with sweet memories that influence their own future parenting skills in kind. Self-improvement takes courage and stamina. Always remember that children learn what they live every single day by our example.
One might be surprised how little time it can take to take a break and pay attention to what’s going on within the family unit. A smile here and a hug there take but a few seconds and becomes a precious moment that children are unlikely to forget in that tiny window of time as the rituals continue year after year. The power of a smile is not to be taken for granted. It’s a mighty tool that can keep a kid on track, showing that he/she is worthy of your attention, acceptance, and affection, which is what they strive for. The results are more long-lasting than you may think.
Small children are not that complicated. A bit of time in a tickle fest laughing together, building a moment of true love and validation, can mean the difference between a good day and a bad one for a child.

Give it a try. Parents also need validation that we’re doing the best job we can. There’s nothing like gazing upon a son or daughter’s reaction after a few short minutes of undivided attention and fun to do just that.

It’s most often the littlest things that really count the most.

Preparing Our Daughters for Real Life

I grew up in the late 50s and 60s when it was taken for granted that young girls grow up, get married, have children, and keep house for a lifetime. Watching my mother serve my dad with all of his wants and needs was a lesson by example and it stuck hard. In the 70s, I married only three years out of high school. I raised our four children in the 80s and loved every minute of making a very nice home for them, with all the love, support, and family fun anyone could ever want. We were a nuclear family with marvelous opportunities thanks to their dad’s income, and we were happy and proud of it all. I was even doing it better than Mom did.

Then came 1995 and a divorce filing. Reality quickly set in as I panicked over money, health insurance, food, a place for me and my four children to live along with the astonishment and betrayal I felt. I went from a happy, uneducated homemaker just like Mom to an impoverished single mother within a year. Depression took over as I wondered where in the world my 22-year marriage went.

Eventually, we came out of it after about ten years after I got some college and went to work. It was the most difficult and heart wrenching years of my life. My oldest daughter was sixteen years old and it hit me that she wasn’t any more prepared than I was at that age for the hard realities that life can bring in a world where we never had one thought about ending up this way.

Teaching our daughters to become self-reliant before marriage is more important now than ever before. The statistics for women who end up on their own is staggering.
    Half of all marriages end in divorce; the average age of widowhood in America is 54; and by the time women reach 60, two-thirds of them no longer have partners.
    American women are now twice as likely to slide below the poverty line as men in their later years — and 80 percent of those women were not poor before they lost their breadwinners.
    70 percent of the child support cases in this country are in arrears.
    Women in the first year after divorce experience on average a 30 percent decline in family income.

By the time girls are twelve years old they begin to appreciate their independence as they begin looking forward to high school. This is a great time to explore together her college and career options and hopes with an emphasis on becoming financially secure and self-reliant in the years to come before marriage. Educate your daughters how to do things on their own and sustain them as they learn. Maybe one of the best help you can give your kids is to discover from their own blunders and to seal their lives with the self-assurance and self-reliance that is essential to succeed in life when the tough times are upon them.