Grandparenting

Today’s definition of family has been changing drastically in past years with the advent of a new kind of family unit.  Due to various reasons, like parents having drug problems, divorce, the economy that has put millions out of work, and single moms who cannot raise their children anymore, we now have a growing generation of grandparents who find themselves in the trenches of raising young grandchildren.  This new phenomenon of parents depending on the grandparents to finish raising their children is also called “the skipped generation.”

As a grandparent, I once dreamed about my children leaving home to embark upon creating their own lives as independent people having a home of their own, good jobs, and grand children for me to spoil and send home.  Retirement was something I looked forward to with travel plans, and the freedom I felt I deserved after decades of raising my kids.

One evening a few months ago I received a call from the police department asking me if I could go pick up my 14 year old granddaughter for an indefinite period.  Of course I went quickly, as Sherry (not her real name) and I had a strong bond. I had always told her to call me if she ever needed me for any reason.  I scooped her up in my arms and promised her that everything would be okay now – she was now with Grammy.   I did what every other loving grandmother would do.  When the grandchildren need to be saved from dangerous situations and they have no other adult to turn to grandparents take over to provide the safety and love the child desperately lacks but needs in order to become good adults.

In 2008, the latest year for census statistics, show that 6.6 million children lived with their grandparents.  Of those, 4.4 million children lived in the home of a grandparent without any help or interaction from their parents (http://www.census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/families_households/cb09-29.html).  Those numbers are staggering and continue to increase yearly.

Older adults who once looked forward to growing a new nest of opportunity and goals now find themselves in the midst of having to start over again raising children.  Many of these seniors live on a fixed income based on Social Security Disability or limited retirement funds that makes suddenly having another child to support very difficult. In the 2008 census the government reported that 482,000 grandparents lived below the poverty level before they became responsible for caring for grandchildren (see link above).

Even if half of the more than 4 million children living with grandparents were transferred into the foster system it would overwhelm the federal foster system at over $6.5 billion a year.  This would add millions more children to a system already taxed with more than half a million cases throughout the country.  Now the child welfare system is looking to grandparents to fill the gap.

Getting custody of a grandchild often takes from several months to years to obtain. Government resources are limited to help grandparents.  The federal welfare system offers Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) and from the  state foster care departments, but most people tend to shy away from these resources because they are afraid of the intrusiveness of the caseworkers and that if one little thing is not right the grandchild might be taken away into the juvenile court system.

My granddaughter, Sherry, approached me one day wanting to go shopping for new jewelry.  I explained to her that funds are short right now until custody is resolved. I felt bad because she had just been through a major crisis within her home and as teenagers go, money seems to grow on trees.  I was pleasantly surprised when she answered, “Grammy, it’s okay. I understand. I’m safe now and that’s all that really matters.”  Kids are more resilient and often more wise than we give them credit for.

Our generation was raised with strong family attachments and values. We did our best with our children and with hindsight can see areas where we probably could have improved.  But that is true for every single parent on the planet.  We teach them well and then must step back and allow our kids to make their choices good or bad.  Sometimes that means having to pick up the pieces of their broken puzzle and for the sake of the grandchildren we must step in and once again take the high road and provide the safety net our own children cannot manage to give their offspring.

I once heard a very wise man say that if money is your only problem then you do not have much of a problem.  Sherry is grateful her grandparents love her enough to take her in, love her to pieces, and keep her safe.  I think when all is said and done in this crazy world she is right.  My mother used to tell me stories about her father being out of work and they were so poor she used tar paper to line her holey shoes. When they were evicted from house after house, the aunts and uncles got together and offered their home, food, and warmth to my mother’s family.  It was what families did in those days. Our society has become so transient and irresponsible the nuclear family model and tradition seems lost.

While we wait for a custody decision we made up a new budget that considers our grandchild and her needs as best we can for now.  But providing the love, safety, and well-being of her knows no limits and needs no accounting.  There will always be plenty of that to go around.