I Let My 4-year Old Swear…

Why kids’ cursing isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Guest Post by Aaron Traister

My son is about to start pre-k next week. I’m just wondering what will happen if Noah walks into The Garden of the Holy Spirit and starts cursing.

You see, I’ve given Noah a tremendous amount of freedom of speech during my tenure as his stay-at-home dad. I firmly believe that part of the reason he can hold up his end of the conversation with kids who are twice his age and has the ability and confidence to introduce himself to new children, talk to adults, and use words like “diversify” is because I haven’t modified my own language around him. I was not a baby-talk kind of dad and I didn’t sugar or censor any other aspect of how I spoke to him. In return I have an articulate and precocious 4-year-old.

While the positive effects are undeniable, there are some negative aspects to my grand verbal program.

While Noah may be able to bust out words like “rapid” and “vexing,” he is also armed with an alarming array of four-letter words and salty language. He doesn’t curse constantly, but, like me, when he spills his bowl of cereal on the living-room floor or stubs his toe, he has a tendency to say, “Shit!” among other more colorful zingers. I have absolutely no problem with this; it is not a frequent occurrence nor is it viewed as a delicious forbidden treat by Noah, as it may be by other kids. Because to him the words are no different than any others, he doesn’t delight or marvel in using them; they are simply utilitarian language for when things go wrong.

In truth, I actually prefer the occasional “shit” and “damn” to all the infantilized alternatives. I will take a responsible, stubbed-toe curse word to a “poopie-butt” or “doodie” or “pee-pee” or whatever other cutesy scatological nonsense that makes other 4-year-old boys crack up.

But I seem to be alone in this view, even in my own household. The barrage of cutesy bathroom humor passes without notice at the park and during most play times, warranting only the occasional “calm down” or “leave at the park” from my wife and other parents.

However when Noah lost his footing on the jungle gym and shouted, “Oh shit!” as he began to fall, the other parents looked at me like I had just asked him if he wanted to do some bong rips at snack-time. But had he said, “Oh poopie” before putting his tooth through his lip on the climbing bars, I bet the looks would have been different.

After that incident, my wife, Karel, decided to tell him there are words he cannot say or that, as a family, we do not say, and she started a list.

Before, the word had just been another word in his stockpile; the rejection of it made him realize it had some kind of power. On a practical level, I know where she’s coming from. I know people disapprove, and I don’t want him to have a harder time making new friends because he curses. I also understand that my wife doesn’t want to think about her giggling joyful little boy dropping a dish and muttering curse words under his breath. That’s something adults do. She wants to think of him as the blobby ray of innocent sunshine that has been lighting up our life for the past 4 years.

So being the bending-branch that I am, I gave her method a test run for about a month (even though I had strong reservations).

Immediately Noah began experimenting with saying “shit” and then looking for a reaction from me and my wife. Before the word had just been another word in his stockpile, the rejection of it made him realize it had some kind of power.

Then while reading a chapter of Harry Potter, one in which Ron mentions how much he hates Malfoy, Noah turned to me and said, “We don’t say hate daddy…”

His mother, my amazing wife, in an attempt to maintain the sweetness and innocence of her little blobby ray, had told him that “We don’t say hate.”

Hate was where I drew the line. How the hell am I supposed to teach him about the Mets and the Giants if “we don’t say hate”?

How are we supposed to read any book on the planet that doesn’t involve the words “pat them gently” if we’re not using words like hate?

It’s the trouble with censorship: not only does it give words a greater power than they already posses, but it snowballs out of control and suddenly the “we don’t say list” has grown to include: hate, suck, smelly, and mutant. How am I supposed to describe Tom Coughlin?

In my eyes, my son is not a blobby ray anymore, he’s not even a toddler; he’s a boy (admittedly, still for a few precious more moments a little boy) and he’s going to hate (hopefully not much more than New York sports franchises), he’s going to curse, he’s going to get into fights, he’s going to say things that piss people off, and he’s going to find himself in situations where he’s put himself on the outside. But that’s all just part of growing up.

So while my wife continues her futile list of words we don’t say, I have reverted to the my full 1st-Amendment policies — and we’re back to him no longer thinking “shit” is anything special. Karel is feigning ignorance about my reversion (although she is silently reaping the rewards). I’m sure the first time Noah skins his knee at the Garden of the Holy Spirit and Karel finds herself on the wrong end of a grumpy nun I will hear about it… a lot. But that’s fine; I’ll take it for the team because this is one of the rare moments when I know I’m right.

And, yes, while I’m sure that having two different sets of standards is confusing for a 4-year-old, isn’t the way we communicate and learn each other’s boundaries totally confusing anyway? When it comes to language in our house, we may be sending mixed messages, but that in itself may be the best preparation for what lies ahead of him in the real world.

I figure as long as he says more about love than he does hate, as long as the curse words are directed at toes and cereal bowls and the Mets instead of at real people, as long as he tries to be thoughtful and considerate more often than he is selfish, as long as he says “please” and “thank you” more often than he says “mine,” well then we probably shouldn’t get too stressed. And so far, that’s the way he is — a kind, considerate kid. Maybe that means I’ve done a damn fine job.

What do you think about allowing your children to swear?  Leave a comment…

Aaron Traister is a proud graduate of the Community College of Philadelphia. He writes a monthly column for Redbook.  Thank you Aaron for this interesting piece.

So Your Graduate Wants to Join the Military

Kids Wanting to Join the Military: What Would Be Your Reaction?

Your senior in high school is graduating this year and you have been looking forward to graduation, talking about college, entrance exams, and scouting the possibilities for the best schools for your child’s major.  Thoughts of your son or daughter moving on to fulfill life dreams for a career that will bring them satisfaction and a good paycheck for decades to come gives you fulfillment as a parent for a job well done.  The future seems bright.

And then it happens.  “Mom, I talked to a recruiter today! He told me that my future is bright in the Armed Forces. I’m joining up as soon as I graduate. He said I’d make a great helicopter gunner or maybe get training as a sniper.”  Obvious excitement adorns his/her face as your heart drops to your toes in shock.  This is not what you had envisioned for your child’s future.

It seems like the whole world is moving into war more and more each day. You have read the stories of parents of children who died in action and the rest of the horrors that go with becoming a soldier in our present time of growing military action all over the world.  While those parents were proud of their children fighting for their country, the grief for the danger and possible death of their children is real and you cannot imagine possibly going through it yourself.

Regardless of your political beliefs it is time to put them away and listen to your child’s reasons for wanting to go into the military.  Bombarding him/her with your outrage of how the government steals our children away to put them in minute by minute harm is not the point.  There are just as many parents who are proud of their kids joining the armed forces to serve their country as there are those who feel it is a travesty and do not support our troops.

You would not be a loving parent if you did not worry about all of the negative possibilities that will lie before your child going into the military.  With the deep hearted love we have for our kids, worrying over them is normal and part of the road map to their leaving home no matter what their plans are for the future.

There are some things you can do to help your child make sure he/she is joining up for the right reasons.  Now more than ever, your child needs your support and assurance that your love is continuous and unconditional regardless.

Changes in Military Education and Benefits

Someone choosing to join the armed forces is not always a bad thing.  Many changes within the educational and financial opportunities have changed a lot in past years.

After new recruit or officer training, service members typically go to advanced training, which is functional training for their assigned occupational fields. Advanced training is a classroom environment similar to college or junior college. In fact, the American Council on Education certifies more than 60 percent of advanced training courses as college credit. Training schools are located throughout the country, and training lasts from a few weeks to a few months, depending on the complexity of the subject matter (http://www.todaysmilitary.com/benefits/training).
If your child decides to get a Bachelor’s Degree before entering the military he/she is immediately qualified to sign on as an officer with elite training, which means a much bigger paycheck.  Education in the military is focused and intense within the vocation. This means your child can get a substantial degree in much less time.

A new enlistment bonus has been generated, which means that your child will receive $40,000 as a new enlistee.  After 17 months of service, he/she is qualified for an additional $80,000 for reenlisting.  There are also over 70 other pay benefits available for housing, food, child support, combat pay, overseas pay, family pay, tuition assistance, medical, and family separation allowances, dislocation and clothing allowances plus much more (http://www.military.com/benefits/military-pay/enlistment-and-reenlistment-bonuses).

Once the enlistee leaves the military there are numerous benefits available within the GI Bill.  Some is money for education into a new field, which includes benefits for the spouse and children of the veteran. The GI Bill also offers home loans at greatly reduced prices. Military veterans are entitled to a home loan guarantee of up to $359,650, when they purchase a home. Veterans also receive medical care for life, disability benefits, and more.

Joining up in the military has many perks available to men and women who otherwise would have to work for decades in order to qualify for same services as a civilian.

Communication

Make a date to go to dinner with your child somewhere quiet and relaxing.  Even a quiet meal at home is a good place to ask questions of your child as to his/her motivations for joining the military.  Ask questions as to why he/she wants to join up. Sometimes kids feel like the military is much easier than college.  Or they are having a hard time deciding on a major; fears of being unsuccessful getting top grades and the right associations needed these days.  Some feel like they do not belong or feel disjointed and the military would give them a sense of camaraderie and cohesiveness.  Others want to embark in the armed forces as a career to take advantage of the opportunity to see the world, get specialized education, or their leadership abilities would take them to heights they could not otherwise achieve, and take advantage of the strict discipline that will train them to be stronger people.  Thousands of men and women who have made a career out of the military say they achieved the leadership that has taken them to great fulfillment.

It is time to listen with your heart – an open heart.  Negative ranting about your political, anti-war beliefs, or your fears that he/she will not be safe, will only put a deep wedge between you and your child.

Talk to a Recruiter Together

Go together to a recruiter and learn all you can about that branch of the service your child wants to join.  This is where you can ask all the questions you want to and get answers from a professional.  Ask the recruiter if your child will actually get the education he/she desires, or if new service people have to wait until they have served for a certain amount of time.  Make sure your child realizes that the pay is barely enough to get by in the beginning, that boot camp is grueling, and can he/she handle being uprooted often.

Talk With Military Career People

Talking with others who have actually made the military a career is a great way to get information straight from those who have experienced it.  If you know someone who joined the armed forces for any length of time, ask if he will honestly share whether it was a good experience or not.  And ask if he would do it again if he could.  While recruiters are trained to give a hard sell to get kids to join up, someone with actual experience will be able to give your child a non-biased, truthful idea of what it is all about.  Some will say it was the best choice they ever made, and others will likely feel differently.  You will at least be able to come away from the conversations with valuable information that will help your child make an informed decision.

Stress Not

Last but not least, stressing and worrying to the point of sickness is useless.  No matter what your child chooses to do, leaving the nest is necessary and inevitable.  Danger is everywhere these days whether entering college or the military.  Be happy that your child had the love and respect to come to you with these ideas. If you become negative and unsupportive, your child will not likely come to you with important decisions in the future.

Kids come in various packages. Some are impulsive and tend to do what their friends are doing. However, most are more mature and have thought out their decisions by now.  What ever road your child chooses for the future, it is his/her future.  All you can do is listen, offer your loving advice and thoughts, and support your child’s final decision.

When all is said and done, your unconditional support and love is what your child will keep close and treasure for the rest of life whether that choice ends up attending college at home or joining the military.  You do not need to agree with the decision. But you do need to continue to love and support them no matter what.

Do you have experience with your child wanting to go into the armed forces? What do you think?

About Us

Greetings!

Our names are Jilly Prather-Nehls & Niki Sinclair.  We’ve been best friends for 44 years.  We’ve shared in each others lives, shared our experiences with each other and have learned more about some areas of life than we ever expected to when we were kids.  We’ve also learned there are areas of life we didn’t know even existed!  Regardless of what we’ve done, where we’ve been, what we’ve seen, and who we’ve known, we’ve both seen how tough it is to manage a family without a place to go; a place to easily gain some insight and share some of our own.  We’ve chosen to make a place where it will be easier for other families to find it, especially important in this day and age where the “time to find it” has become scarce.

We invite you to be part of our community, to receive and contribute.  We’re not looking for super stars,  just folks interested in their families and how to balance out some of the problems unique to our society today.